Musings from Concord Trailways Logan Express

Today I am away from my boys all day long.  I kissed their sweet sleeping heads as I left our house at 2:40 this morning, and if all the stars (and planes, and buses, and cars, and weather) align, I hope to make it home in time to kiss their sweet heads goodnight before their eyelids close.  I hope that I get to see the whites of their eyes, and maybe their big goofy grins, at least once today.  Because a whole day without a hug or a funny saying, or even fixing them a meal or helping them get dressed, is a long day indeed!  Though I still miss them, I am willing to give up my daily Ethan and Adam fix for quote-unquote important things, like getting away with my husband for a night, or spending the weekend with best girlfriends whom I don’t see nearly enough, or an annual mother-daughter trip.  But to miss a whole day in my kiddos’ lives for work…these long days are hard.  I always return feeling like I’ve missed a lot, like these little sprouts have gone and changed overnight and are different beings than the ones I’d left behind.   

I am thankful that I don’t have to travel more often for work, and that my trips are almost never overnight.  I recognize that very occasional travel is part of this deal, and that the rest of this deal is pretty good.  I realize that I am lucky to be able to work from home 80% of the time, and that on those days, I bank bonus time with the boys when other working moms are getting dressed in “real” clothes for work, commuting, and finding time to do little chores that I can do while I’m at work and the boys are at school.  So I know I shouldn’t complain about one measly business trip when the rest of my work-life balance situation is almost ideal. 

But I’m still going to complain.  On days like today, the grass feels much greener on the other side of the fence.  How much differently would I feel about today if I had spent it with my family, instead of traveling all over creation for a two-hour meeting?  It’s not that I don’t value my work – in fact, I was proud of the insights I presented today.  I think they will actually make some difference in how this particular company thinks about one of their products.  But in the spectrum of life…so what?  Will the people in that room today remember that I am the one who helped them figure that out?  Probably not.  Will the boys remember that I got home in time to read them a story tonight?  Most definitely. 

When I was young and single, I thought work travel was kind of glamorous – an opportunity to visit new places on somebody else’s dime, a little break from reality, license to order breakfast in bed.  But today, today wasn’t glamorous.  Sure, I got another stamp in my passport, but I might as well have been in Detroit, or Topeka, or anywhere really.  I had Starbucks for breakfast and Subway for lunch.  Glamorous it was not.  I will admit that a little uninterrupted Kindle time was a treat that I don’t often get at home, but I would gladly trade that for the wild chaos that will meet me at my front door in a few hours. 

I do believe that every mother struggles with these challenges, no matter her work situation.  We are all striving for balance in our lives, and constantly reassessing our choices.  Are we spending enough time with our kids?  Too much?  Are we spending enough time with our husbands?  Our friends?  Are we working too much?  Should we be working instead of staying home full-time?  Are we spending enough time on ourselves?  And many times, at least for me, trying to maintain this “balance” can feel a lot like teetering on a tightrope, bracing for a fall.  Some days, the equilibrium seems way off – there is no balance.  On days like today, when work is all consuming, or conversely, when no work can be done because someone’s home sick, balance goes out the window.  And those are the days when I question my choices, when I “what-if” myself to a state of confusion.  But then I try to take a step back and remind myself to just be content.  To notice what I have and to be grateful.  To appreciate the perspective afforded by a day away from the kids – that I can come back with a renewed adoration of them and all the things that bug me when we’re together all day.  To remind myself that it is important to me that our kids see Mommy and Daddy working, inside and outside the home, sharing in both spheres of responsibility.  I know I will always question my choices, and whether this “balance” I have tried to create is actually working for everyone.  I will continue to reevaluate and adjust because I am a mom and that’s what we do.  But for today, I am going to make peace with it.  I am going to be okay with the fact that my boys spent the day without me because, really, I know they are okay with it too.  And beginning tomorrow they’re home with me for four whole days, and by Monday evening, I know we’ll all be ready for school again.