All summer long, I've been peppered with questions about how I was feeling with Ethan heading off to kindergarten. My common response was "Excited for him!" and I was actually being quite honest. Somehow, I had convinced myself that it just wasn't that big of a deal, that the transition from three long days at daycare to five shorter days at school was immaterial. But here we are, at t-2 days until I watch my biggest boy climb on that yellow schoolbus and cross my fingers that everything goes okay. And it feels big, really big. I spent a lot of time over the last few months thinking and rethinking potential scheduling scenarios for the fall - ones that would provide time for me to work, one-on-one time with each of the boys, an eensy-weensy bit of "me" time... I optimized the equation the best that I could and hope that it all pans out when I return to work starting next week. But the one glaring oversight I made in all my planning is a steep decline in brother time. Over the last two months, Ethan and Adam have spent 24 hours a day together (literally, as they now share a room), 7 days a week. I recognize that that isn't ideal either, and know that they could each use a little space, but starting tomorrow when Adam returns to daycare, these boys are going to start seeing a whole lot less of each other. Sure, they'll have a few afternoons a week, and of course the weekends, but even before we embarked on this family-full summer, the boys were accustomed to spending a lot of time together. One of the benefits of me working part-time is that over the entirety of Adam's life, the boys have had four solid days together each week, plus all the time they happened to cross paths at school. I know that I am probably overemphasizing this shift, and that their relationship will survive this separation as sibling relationships do. But it does feel monumental and symbolic in so many ways. Starting tomorrow, our boys are, literally and figuratively, headed in different directions. For the first time, Ethan will be exposed to an entirely different community, one that is separate and distinct from the one of which Adam is a part. Gone are our school day adventures as a threesome, music classes and field trips to uncrowded places, and not being bound by less flexible school schedules. No more Mondays, that cherished day I had with both my boys, where we managed (most of the time) a perfect mix of fun and necessary errands and extended, lazy story hours where we could read without the threat of a looming bedtime, sipping smoothies in warm weather, huddled under blankies on cold or dreary days. I am very much looking forward to days at home with just my mini-est munch, and afternoons when I can meet Ethan at the schoolbus and focus only on him for a few hours before picking Adam up. But this time, this time as a mom of two preschoolers, this time that went by so very quickly, I will miss.
Somehow, the boys seem to have sensed this impending shift. Perhaps they realized the enormity of the changes ahead before their mom did! Over the last few days, they have spent every waking hour playing together, with intensity and love and glee and brotherhood like I haven't seen before. It's adorable and bittersweet, and I am hesitant to break up their fun when it's time for bed, or dinner, or to clean up their toys. Instead, I find myself just watching them, witnessing these fleeting moments, desperately trying to imprint their snapshots in my mind's eye.
I wanted to make today, this last day as a threesome, special. Ben started work today, so it was just me and the boys, like old times, with a whole unscheduled day before us. I let the boys make our plans for the day, and was a little disappointed when they came up with Joker's, an arcade/fun house type place that they have been wanting to visit for ages. I was hoping for the beach, or a ferry trip, or something similarly memorable and picturesque. But the weather didn't cooperate anyway, and to be honest, Joker's was just perfect. We started the day going out to breakfast, and ended it with ice cream, and packed the middle with a trip to the library to return all those learning books (I'm hanging up my teaching hat and leaving the learning to the professionals from here), a stop at the grocery store (special it was not but traditional it was, and I must say I won't be sad to see those threesome supermarket trips go), and many hours at Joker's.
Wanting to give Ben space (and quiet) on his first day, we were out all day long, but we made it home in time for a full hour of snuggling and stories on the couch before dinner. I cherished every page, silently cheering each time they begged for "just one more book", and drinking in every kiss and nuzzle like they were gold. It was a great day. And I know tomorrow will be great, and I really AM so excited for Ethan as he heads off to kindergarten. But tonight, I must admit, I'm a little sad too.
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