What's S'Happening with the Stockwells: And Then You Were Five

To my little love Adam on the eve of his fifth birthday,

As we lay snuggling in bed each night, I am struck by the almost unimaginable enormity of my love for you. The craziness of the day yields to the peace that comes with nightfall and I squeeze you tight, breathe you in, and thank every one of my lucky stars that you were brought to me. And yet some nights, I wonder (and worry) whether you truly know the depths of my love for you. Because we battle, my boy, daily. And so I ask, “you know how very much I love you, right Adam?”. And you reply, “so so so SO much. TOO much. Googooplus much.” And I smile, and tell you that you are wrong - that I love you googooplus plus one. And you get all math wizardey and tell me that if I love you googooplus plus one, then you love me googooplus plus infinity. And we giggle and hug and my heart swells and I know that you feel loved, as do I. But just in case... on this your FIFTH birthday, I want to share just a few of the googooplus reasons I love you so.

I love your insatiable thirst for learning, your endless intellectual curiosity about the world around you and how it all works. I love that you will sit on the dock with me, you with your workbook and me with my crossword puzzle, while the others splash around us.
But I also love that you don’t flaunt your intelligence. I have never, ever heard you be a know-it-all, or a show-off, or condescending to others. In fact, you are patient and yielding, knowing when to step in and help a friend (or a brother) who is struggling, and when to hold back and give others a chance to shine.
I love that you play dress-up. When I hear footsteps on the stairs, I never know if I’ll meet a tiger, or a superhero, or a clown, or a Native American. You are almost always in costume, and it sure keeps life interesting. I only wish I could honor your requests to put on your tiny costumes along with you.
I love your courage. You have had many occasions to be brave in your short life, and you always impress me with your fortitude.
I love watching you ride your bike. You are so proud, and free, and fearless, and fast.
I love your giggle, especially when I’m its source. Like when I kid you, saying that I wish I had a boy just like you, and you squeal “you do Mommy! ME!” and laugh straight from your belly. I love when you say “you’re kiddin‘!”.
I love watching you gobble up bok choy with abandon, but that you’ve asked for ketchup (with a little meatloaf), egg noodles and frozen peas for your birthday dinner. I love that you keep me guessing.
I love how kindly you treat Luna, how you come downstairs every morning and give her a thorough petting before attending to any of your morning business. How you make a lap for her when we’re reading stories on the couch.
I love that you would wear your Superman t-shirt, uber-preppy red plaid shorts, and Halloween socks every single day if I let you. You’re predictable and adorably funky all at the same time.
I’ll say it - I love that you still need your Horsie and suck your thumb! I think the thumb is fleeting - you suddenly announced yesterday evening that you hadn’t sucked your thumb all day because you are a “big boy now”, and I haven’t seen it in your mouth since. The part of me that rues the fact that my baby is turning five appreciates that you still have a little bit of babyhood in you, but I also love how you decide all on your own when you are ready to move on.
I love that you challenge me as a parent. Okay, I could probably do with a little less challenge, but I do appreciate the opportunity to think outside the box, try new parenting strategies, and constantly up my game. You are never boring.
I love how high the highs are with you. Like our trip to Trader Joe’s on Monday, which was some perfect storm of parent-child harmony that made for my most enjoyable shopping trip ever. Sure, you are also responsible for my least enjoyable shopping trip ever, but I like a challenge, remember?
I love your subtle curls, your deep blue eyes, your long lashes, your button nose, and the random freckles that pepper your body. I miss your buddha belly, but I love your long lean limbs, and how fast they allow you to run.
I hate when you wake up at night because you’re scared, but I love how you reach your arms up to be carried, snuzzle your head under my chin just so, and fall back asleep in my arms as I return you to bed.
I love how I sometimes find you sleeping next to me in the night - how you tiptoe in so as not to disturb us, climb in, and curl your body next to mine.
I love how you beg for my stories about Eli and Andrew, a 6- and almost 5-year old from Barborough Maine who go on crazy adventures back in time and to lands far away. Although I get tired of making them up, I will be sad when you stop asking for them.
I love how hard you tried to please your brother tonight by singing a round with him, even when he was not the nicest or most supportive singing mate. Your voices were beautiful. You are such a good little brother.
And I love how well you share, your knack for diplomacy, and your big heart. I love watching your expressions when we read stories, how the feelings of the characters are broadcast across your face. You feel deeply, and you have a beyond-your-years ability to comprehend and internalize others’ feelings.
I love seeing the world through your eyes...the way your face lights up when you see a cool truck, or how you shhhh me so as not to disturb a squirrel in our path, or how you just sit down on our hikes and take in everything around you. I view the world differently because of you, and feel so lucky to spend my days with you.

And so, my dearest Adam, my wish for you on your fifth birthday is that you may always know how very much you are loved. Because while you may love your mama googooplus plus infinity, your mama will always, always love you googooplus plus infinity...plus one.